The One On Faith

Because sometimes you need to question your faith to find it.

Faith is a tricky one to talk about. It always has been, and probably always will be. But as someone who felt very lost in their beliefs I think it’s important to talk about. So I’m writing this one for the ones who are still figuring it out. Or the people willing to see another side.

I didn’t grow up in a very religious home. I had a wonderful childhood, and my parents raised my brother and I extremely well, with love and support, something for which I am forever grateful. But in terms of religion, the extent of ours was going to church on Christmas Eve and Easter, or whenever my grandmother requested us to (she went every Sunday). My parents were in no way against religion, in fact my mom even tried to bring my brother and I to Sunday school once, at which point she promptly removed us from the classroom upon seeing how poorly the other children behaved (lol).

I was taught from a very young age that church doesn’t make a good person, and I still believe that to this day.

—

As I grew up, I never really questioned my religion. I was Episcopal as I was raised, but the extent of my beliefs was pretty much that I believed we had someone or something watching over all of us. And I didn’t think much else.

When I hit my teens everything changed. After experiencing something I only realized years later was traumatic, and beginning to struggle with depression and anxiety, I began looking into it more. I’ve always been a creative person, so I was reading blogs and watching YouTube videos before social media was truly a thing. I remember the first blog I ever read was Barefoot Blonde by Amber Fillerup, and she’s still one of my favorites to this day. In terms of YouTubers, I somehow stumbled into the Christianity/Utah Clique. Aspyn Ovard, Ellie + Jared, Kristin Johns, etc.

I didn’t realize it at the time but I found that almost every person I looked up to online was part of a very niche group of people. All were married extremely young, most were Mormon, had children and they all had seemingly “perfect” lives. I remembering wondering if I had only been raised Mormon, how much better my life could have been (an absolutely ridiculous thought now, but that’s how it seemed!). I remember wishing so hard that I could believe in Jesus the way they did, and that maybe everything else would get better if I did. I wanted to be “saved” like they were.

But no matter how hard I tried, I could not bring myself to fully believe in Jesus. I would read the Bible and question how any of this made sense. I just wanted to believe. I wanted to have a life like theirs. I wanted to feel God’s presence in my life. I yearned for the comfort he seemed to provide these other people. I truly believed that if I married my boyfriend at the age of 21 I would have the life I’d always dreamt of.

But getting married doesn’t help you feel less lost. And you can’t rely on others to help you find yourself.

Spoiler Alert: We broke up (lol).

And I’ve talked about it before but when that happened, I felt so empty. I didn’t know who I was. He was my guiding post. He had been in the military, and every life event I had planned in my head revolved around him and his timeline. And this is not in any way blaming him, I chose to follow his timeline, because I didn’t have one of my own. So when it was over, I was kind of just like… now what?

But that was exactly what I needed.

I waited a while, then tried dating. And if you’ve dated in the current economy you damn well know it is not pleasant. And I lost myself again. But this time, I lost myself in a way that actually lead me back home.

—

I had always wanted to feel so deeply tied to Jesus, to God, but I never understood when people would say they could feel Him with them. I honestly thought it was a cop out. That they were just mistaking their gut for God I guess? But this time, I understood what they meant.

At this point, I had made a promise to myself. I would only begin dating again once I had truly found myself. Once I was able to feel comfortable alone, loved myself fully, and could fully understand my own emotions, my own goals and dreams. Only then would I allow myself to allow another person in. So I started journaling.

I will never be able to truly express how much journaling saved my life. The amount of peace, understanding, and love I gave myself through journaling was unmatched. It was something I never could have received from another person without first giving it to myself. And I finally found that journaling provided me that connection to a Higher Power, in my personal case, God. I realized that I was talking to Him. Instead of kneeling by my bedside, or in a church pew, I was praying through my writing.

And He was always there. He was always there because He was a part of me. And He always had been.

I believe that we are God and God is us. God is the best possible version of myself, because that is who He would want me to be. He is always here, even when I can’t feel it. I am never alone. You are never alone.

—

I believe that sometimes you need to question your faith to truly find it. To follow blindly is to never truly know yourself.

But whatever you choose to believe, it is your choice. I hope you trust in the fact that you know yourself best. Life is beautiful. You are loved. And none of us are ever truly alone. Stay strong, stay soft.

Love,

Anne